Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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