He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
