wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
