it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
