just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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