...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
