just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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