it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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