god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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