i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
