literally had 100 drinks last night.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
