Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
