Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
