mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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