Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
