his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
