My nipple is on Facebook.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
