my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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