you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
