Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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