I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
