we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
