Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
