If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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