i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
