God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
