Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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