So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just cropdusted the office
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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