There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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