you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
