You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
