I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We left the knife in your bed.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
