Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
