I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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