y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
