I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
