For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
