I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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