words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
