New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
