im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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