a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
