Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
