I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
