I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
