Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
