The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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