i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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