Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
it glows. i had to have it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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