I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
