I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
