We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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